How to bring yourself out of a funk

Actually, this won't be helpful to many.... it's not a true how-to, but it's a true story

I had a job. A part-time job at Uhual. In the beginning it was nice to have a job. Something to do. And an income. Somewhere along the way it became a burden. The heaviest of weights laying on my shoulders. Bringing me down. Suffocating me. Stealing my spirit away from me. If I worked, it ruined my day. If I had the day off, thinking about working the next day would ruin my day off. I had this dense pit in my stomach every time I thought about going to work. This just wouldn't do. But I needed to money. And I should be happy to have a job when so many out there don't. So, day after day I talked myself into not quitting. And I didn't quit... but I constantly asked my friends and family if I could. However, I never asked God. And this pit got denser and denser until one night. I cried myself to sleep just thinking about going to work. I felt a calmness when I imagined telling my friends I'd quit. And a nudge from God that it might be ok to quit. And then I fell asleep. I woke the next morning, dreading going to work. I opened up spotify and was just wasting time looking at friends' playlists and ended up listening to the song "When your mind's made up." And then I went to work. And it was horrible. And I finally realized that it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the pain and deadness. So I quit. I quit and I drove to Michigan to surprise my family at our annual campout. :)

best. decision. ever.

I'm 10x happier and it lasts. I started a different job (part time paraprofessional at a middle school). And i love it. When I think about going to work the next day, I smile :) It makes me tired working with those kids for 3.25 hours/day. But it makes me happy. Also. I have my weekends back. Which means I can go to church regularly again. And maybe now I won't cry every church service :) But if I do, that's ok too.

Never ever underrate the value of your own happiness.
because, in this life, it's all that matters after God

happiness to you all,
kelsie

Maybe I'm not a City Girl

ugh. my hands are sweating! all the way to my fingertip and it's leaving residue on my keyboard! weird.

on the bright side, I ate some chocolate that has espresso beans in it (it was delicious, Adam) and applied to 5 jobs today... career builder makes it pretty darn easy. I finally actually signed up with them and made a general resume for jobs. so... the resumes weren't tailored to each job (I'm getting tired of doing that!) and I didn't write any cover letters... but at least it's something. of the 5 jobs I applied for today... the one I really want is the school bus driver job :) like I'll get that one... considering I don't have a CDL... but they said they'd train... yeah... like they want a 23-year-old driving their buses... we shall see.

on the not-so-bright side, I spent the first 3 hours of my day finishing a book (Water for Elephants which was amazing!!) and the next 5.5 hours I sat... i could barely make myself move for food (I managed a pbj sandwich and some ice cream). And then I found myself in my bed for probably an hour feeling lower than I have in months and I came to this realization... maybe I'm not a city girl. I love the city. I think it's sooo beautiful... but maybe I wasn't cut out of the city dough...

Maybe I'm cut out for the quiet country life... for years I've said I should have been raised on a farm... why I didn't take that into stronger consideration when I was leaving KS, I don't know... but maybe I belong on a farm... honestly, farm work sounds simply delicious right now.

like the plum I'm eating.

I like coming home and feeling exhausted... like I really worked

what I don't like is coming home to a ruined day and feeling completely inadequate... because that's what my job does these days.

I feel like... everything I love should have been pointing me toward the country... camping, manual labor, open starry skies, wheat fields... except I love the city as well.

I just have no idea anymore.

ps now I'm going to apply to be a juvenile probation officer (they have training available)

pps... later... or not. because you have to have a degree in criminal justice. that's disappointing... maybe in the future, but I'm tired of school right now.

My South Suburban Life

Yes. It's been a while, but I'm feeling particularly thoughtful lately, so I thought I'd write (plus this means I can avoid certain things I should be doing instead).

I live in a church. One big classroom in a church with a mini fridge. All to myself... and a mouse. But the Kitchen is downstairs and the oven sucks. I cook mostly with my crockpot. And the shower... it's in the men's restroom downstairs.

Sometimes there are people here during the day and sometimes I'm alone.

As ideal as some people might think... this is not ideal... not even close. I want a house. or an apartment. I'd even take a roommate, so long as I could call the kitchen my own and leave my showering stuff in the bathroom. But first I need full-time work.

Enough of my woes.

For the first 2 months out here, I applied for job after job after job. I watched a lot of tv on netflix and movies. And sat around a lot. Here's the thing... there's not a ton to do out here and there's even less for me because it takes a ton more initiative to do things by myself. At the end of July I finally got a couple interviews and offered a part-time position at Uhaul. Woohoo. It's a job. And right now that's all that matters... and I think I could enjoy it if we were more trucks and less storage... the storage part is boring and I like the trucks. Needless to say however, I'm ready for something else already.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Really hoping for full-time work... something that pays enough for me to move into an apartment (with a roommate, but an apartment).

The church here is incredible. Full of wonderful people and ... I just feel at peace at church on Sunday mornings.

Some days

Some days I'm tired... beyond tired. So tired that I've slept for 11 hours the night before, 8.5 the night before that and could continue to sleep all day. So tired that the only reason I eat is because someone else offers me food; otherwise I'm too tired to care about the hunger. So tired, but not sleepy, that I can lay on the couch for an hour without any thoughts going through my head. So tired I can't fight the temptation to revert to bad habits.

I will probably continue days like these until Christmas eve when I'm on the train ride home. Once work slows down again and I'm not doing something extra every weekend, like roofing and cpr/first aid training... or friends visiting... or frisbee tournaments... or working extra hours because there's so much to do.

Some days it's 7pm and all I want to do is lay in my bed and stare at the wall... until I fall asleep.

On a slightly happier note, I'm incredibly thankful for my family at home as well as all of the families I've become a part of here in Kansas. They're all such a blessing to me, I don't know how I'd make it though life without them. Thanks.

Hope you're all well and healthy.
love.

Important life learnings... and changes

from the oh-so-useful-and-enjoyable personal finance class:
-live within your means
-have a contingency plan
... and when you aren't able to do that, what do you do?

a) decrease payments or
b) increase income

my answer: B
solution: find a second job
where: Bethany Support Services
what: provide supports for persons with developmental disabilities. I've taken on two overnight 3rd shifts each week, friday and saturday from 9pm-6am. basically, I'll be getting paid to sleep, read or do my own work and take care of not-likely-to-happen emergencies
when: fridays and saturday, 9pm-6am. first shift: tonight... in 20 minutes
how: it's been a crazy week, that's for sure. I've been thinking I need to find a second job to make payments on everything (school loans, car loan, insurances... have $$ for food and a little bit of entertainment). The side stuff wasn't providing enough extra income (about $100 each month, if that). I was thinking I'd need to waitress (wouldn't be bad, but wasn't really excited about it so I never got around to applying). Then I was talking with a "coworker" tuesday and realized that I really missed my time at MDC Goldenrod (In Goshen, post-high school job/senior year mentorship). I have a friend, Brittany, who works at BSS in town so I asked that night, if she thought they needed anyone of evenings or whatever. She said she'd ask the next day and let me know and bring home an application. Wednesday I got a text saying it was easier if I just come in, fill out the app and have an interview... so I did... except I only filled out the application and then left because they were too busy. That afternoon I did an interview with the client/consumer. Thursday I did 45 minutes of training at lunchtime. Friday after babysitting I did 4 more hours of training. Today I did an hour of job shadowing (completely pointless if you ask me) and tonight is my first overnight shift.
I'm excited, and not at the same time... I know there will be weekend when I wish I could be home hanging out and doing the impromptu kinds of things that happen like movies and shakes or crisp at caley's, or pumpkin carving at my house... etc. but for the most part... I don't really do a whole lot on weekends anyway so it's not a big deal. as long as I have ample time, I can get off if I need to. I'm excited to be working as a caregiver/supports-provider and both of the guys remind me of guys from the pleasant place gang back at MDC. :) I kind of wish I could do more evening stuff (they go to bed within 30 minutes of me getting there)... things like meal-planning and grocery shopping... I think I would enjoy that with these two, but oh well. perhaps in the future I'll work with them more. But for now, this is good. We can get comfortable and I can be not-stressed because, like I said, I'm basically getting paid to sleep.

I still think it's crazy how it all just kind of happened... but I guess that's just how God is... crazy... and awesome.

On another note... today was the Walton Rural Life Festival (3rd annual). I finally went for Frame Makers and myself. took pictures of the old cars (80 cars at the car show!) and took in about $100 in photo orders. Now I just have to fix the few up, print them off and call the people that they belong to... then when they come to pick them up, convince them to get a frame as well. I have business cards and I must say they are pretty spiffy :) Ask me for one and you can have it :) I'm working on getting a facebook page set up for my photography stuff... but it's slow going... I'm pretty busy :) at least I feel busy.

Also, I've been working with the 4th-6th graders and my church and it's going really well. I love all of them and we have a good time... even if they don't care about what I'm saying... at that age... well... I don't remember anything my sunday school teachers said, except I thought they were cool, good people :)

Well, now I have 10 minutes to get to my new job. It takes less than 5 minutes to get there... and I've consistently been getting there waaay too early... so I will wait for a couple minutes. Brittany works in the office and makes sure all the different time sheets and documentation correspond... she told me if I mess up I'll get a talking to/beat down at home :) I hope I don't mess up!

Love to you all. Maybe one day I'll post a few pictures.

Things are getting settled in

I know it's been... forever. since I last posted. What can I say: graduation, art show, finals week, move out, move in, work full time... I've been busy.

Plus... I've been reading and that takes lots of time away from... everything :) I love reading and I'm glad I finally can again now that I have no school to think about... granted... I should start painting again soon.

I just finished reading the book The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. It was very encouraging and hope-making, but sad at the same time. I long for community and always have. I feel like I'm continually getting closer to it, but I don't think it will happen until the people I'm in community with are as passionate for it as I am.

And comfort. Is not what we were meant for. I'm so uncomfortably comfortable, but I don't know what to do about it right now. I committed to a year at Frame Makers... and until then, I don't know what I'll do. Dean and Elaine hope that I'll enjoy my year so much that I stay and take over the whole thing. I can't do that. If I did that, my life would die. I don't want to be the provider of luxury art, only to be afforded by the middle class and wealthier. I don't want to see people spending their money on luxury. I hate that the city is going to spend $900 on two framed prints... not even from local artists.

I want to bring art and beauty to places that can't afford custom framing. Places that the darkness is trying to take over, where people aren't comfortable. But beyond that, my only hope is to be a light for Christ to some small part of the world. But the people of the world of custom framing are interested in beauty and comfort for themselves. They live surrounded by people that are the same as they are and don't see the need for beauty throughout the world. Or if they do, they aren't doing anything about it. I've chosen a path that will only lead me to emptiness and I need to change directions soon, before I become consumed by comfort and money. I fear I will lose sight of my passions in the next year.

And this is random, but, as a Christian, I wish the government would remove 'in god we trust' from our money. It's a lie. We don't trust in God, we trust in ourselves and praise ourselves as though we were God.

That's all. I'm done thinking for now. I'm going to clean my room.

Life's an Adventure...

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=493

This website is awesome! and I've been going crazy posting them all over facebook :)